Reflections after each time I read something about what people want to hear and say before they die...

I wish I could have told her more than I love you's.  Everyday for the last year of her life, I told her I love her. Much more frequently than I did the years before that.  In her last months of wakeful coma, I wish I have talked to her more and told her things that she had to hear.  I was battling with my own emotions of saying goodbye with my gestures and words and denying that she was soon going to go.  The difficult time between not knowing exactly what to hope for, not knowing what to ask God for, the letting go and holding on, the need to be alone with grandma, the managing of everything she needed daily and the people that assisted us, the physical exhaustion and the added emotional exhaustion from other family members - proved to be too much pre-occupation.  I didn't basically know what to do with her pain and withering, I just wanted and tried to make her as comfortable as we could.  I felt alone. I wanted to talk to lola about anything and tell the nurse to leave us for a while.  But many times I felt more lonely thinking about speaking of any semblance of goodbyes to her... with her sometimes unresponsive stares at the wall, it felt very, very lonely that she was leaving me. I didn't want to say goodbye. I should have told her how great she was as a grandmother, how grateful we are of her legacy and of all the things she taught me.  Of how grateful I am to be with her. Of how grateful I am of her and Lolo.  I even avoided mentioning lolo on his birthday, worried that I might make Lola more in a hurry to leave.  But I should have told her.  I should have made her listen to her favorite music.  I should have not accomodated the nurses watching tv and made them agree to play more of lola's music...

I should have hugged her more. Even if it was too difficult many times with her coughing and all the other physical discomfort and unresponsiveness as the days went. I should have hugged her more.  I often felt and hoped my assurances for her not to worry, and her favorite phrase that Jesus loves her were enough comfort to makeup for anything else I was struggling to do...  I hope they really did.  On her last night, that was all I could say and do while I hugged her after we prayed.  I felt she felt ok with that.  I guess God has made her know that now.  How I wanted to give her all the love and comfort.  But was too human to fulfill everything I hoped for.  I know God has filled it all for her when she went. God did because it was peaceful and she felt happy.

Lola's visit to Trish, 7 yo

I read this tonight How to Say Good-bye When Someone You Love Is Dying.  And felt comfort in the fact that I maybe did most things right a year ago... but still wish I could have done more of those things, especially on her last weeks and days... It was a painful process, dealing with the dying, how to make her feel ok and happy while she was leaving at any day... I was still hoping to converse with her one day, still in denial all along although theoretically aware of what was impending. Yes, I could have talked more, hugged her every hour, in between her meds, feeding, cleaning up, finding ways to comfort, managing sores, relieving coughs, buying meds, preparing meals, worrying about her tounge bleeding, her pain, suctioning blood, assuring afterwards that it was ok even if I knew the pain meds were not working as much anymore, taking care of her massive breast wound... and all the other house errands I didn't want to do because I just wanted to hug her more frequently and attend to her personally. But I had to do the other responsibilities in order to keep things organized & less stressed...  We had so much time before she became unconscious. But between loved ones, there'll never be enough time.  I wish I could have talked to her more even if it was frustrating at times.   My deepest childlike wish was to get  at the least a clear short verbal response. It seemed less likely to happen but I kept on dreaming.  It took me long to decide whether to tell her about my lolo's birthday last March for she might hurry up and go see him in the afterlife sooner.  I wanted her to rest but I was struggling to totally let her go... It was painful everyday to see her that way. One could only wish she was not feeling as much pain as she appeared to be experiencing... she was edematous, her skin may be much less sensitive to touch but she could still express pain with her blank stares. I wish I prayed with her more even if she was asleep on most times... We used to pray together every single night for over a year before her last 3 months... I was grateful that God gave us the chance to say I love you and thank you every single day before her consciousness changed. She mentioned a very few times about her leaving one day but I was the fearful one, crying uncontrollably on the lunch table in front of my mother and brother who tried to be emotionally distant from the whole process all those years. I never wanted to cry in front of my lola but I couldn't contain the grief I had been carrying, mostly alone, since the first day we dealt with her breast cancer.  She never said good bye because she wanted to spare me.  But on her last days, I kept on comforting her that we were going to be ok, that it was alright and she had nothing to worry anymore.  When she was conscious, there was nothing more reassuringly joyful to her ears than hearing that Jesus loves her.  She would smile brightly even with eyes closed and responded back with Jesus loves you, too.  I can only wish that I did that more often even when she couldn't respond anymore.  I practically never knew better what to do... I was in grief all along. My lola's response was my only joy.  My only comfort now is the message I got that she is now in God's loving arms in heaven.  I know my regrets are temporal but the assurance of God is eternal.  I may have to deal with closure & grief interchangeably for who knows until when. And I may still be unready to care for other dying elderly patients again, but I'm moving on, growing up... I thank God so much for talking to me in different ways.

I finally had a dream about her getting well way before she would go.  That was what I prayed for, her getting back to consciousness and talk to me, to us, before she would finally go.  It was just a dream but it felt real - while I quite knew in my dream I was only dreaming.  She got up and went to her usual busy ways in the kitchen when she was excited about something, just like when she was a decade ago, healthier.  She was smiling. And she looked younger. I was thinking 'God has finaly given what I asked for Lola. See, this feeling is familiar, God giving what I ask for.  Am I not a brat? No, this is for Lola and though this is strange to be just in a dream, I am grateful. I wonder what she had to say before she goes... will she be sick again, when?'

And then my consciousness shifted to more lucidity, but no more dream. I was restless while asleep. And forgot about my dream of Lola. I knew I didn't have to be awake until the right time in the morning. Something (or somebody!) was keeping me half-awake at dawn while I pushed my eyelids back trying for a restful slumber. I woke up late at 8:30am feeling heady. I knew why something like this happens. this same thing happened before, the last one was months ago. the same person! And honestly, it's not a good way for somebody to tell me something. I always prefer to be talked - or written to - directly.  I opened my laptop and saw that I was right. 

I do not feel like going back to sleep but I know tonight I would need to get my rest back. If that person only knew, I hadn't had a straight 4-6 hours of sleep for the last few years until six months ago. Meaning, I only had continued night time rest for the last 6 months. Before that, I had to be awake for somebody I love dearly.  Lifting her in the middle of the night, or dawn, helping her with bare necessities.  So please, let me sleep. Talk like a human being, not an viral poster.  While I appreciate some of your posts, and even if I may be picking up some good advice, it's not the way to go...  Now that I remember that I had a good dream before my sleep was interrupted, I feel much better.  I still have my senses back with me - I'm a fully functioning human being - talking, hearing, sensing, feeling, introspecting human being. So please, if you may, don't go online-automatic on me.

I wanted to tell her a few things.  I wanted to ask her some important things I wished she could still recall as clearly as a few years ago...  But there was always something urgent I had to do. Something always had to be done. Her milk, her meds, her daily necessities....

There was always something that had to be done for her to have a life...

And all I ever wanted above everything else was for her to have the best quality of life she could possibly have at her age. Before one day she goes home to God.

And I miss her still. Her joys, her laugh, her embrace.  I wish she can (and I'd like to use 'can') hug me everyday.

♥♥♥♥♥

...Where winged and leafy creatures find their way.