I read this tonight How to Say Good-bye When Someone You Love Is Dying.  And felt comfort in the fact that I maybe did most things right a year ago... but still wish I could have done more of those things, especially on her last weeks and days... It was a painful process, dealing with the dying, how to make her feel ok and happy while she was leaving at any day... I was still hoping to converse with her one day, still in denial all along although theoretically aware of what was impending. Yes, I could have talked more, hugged her every hour, in between her meds, feeding, cleaning up, finding ways to comfort, managing sores, relieving coughs, buying meds, preparing meals, worrying about her tounge bleeding, her pain, suctioning blood, assuring afterwards that it was ok even if I knew the pain meds were not working as much anymore, taking care of her massive breast wound... and all the other house errands I didn't want to do because I just wanted to hug her more frequently and attend to her personally. But I had to do the other responsibilities in order to keep things organized & less stressed...  We had so much time before she became unconscious. But between loved ones, there'll never be enough time.  I wish I could have talked to her more even if it was frustrating at times.   My deepest childlike wish was to get  at the least a clear short verbal response. It seemed less likely to happen but I kept on dreaming.  It took me long to decide whether to tell her about my lolo's birthday last March for she might hurry up and go see him in the afterlife sooner.  I wanted her to rest but I was struggling to totally let her go... It was painful everyday to see her that way. One could only wish she was not feeling as much pain as she appeared to be experiencing... she was edematous, her skin may be much less sensitive to touch but she could still express pain with her blank stares. I wish I prayed with her more even if she was asleep on most times... We used to pray together every single night for over a year before her last 3 months... I was grateful that God gave us the chance to say I love you and thank you every single day before her consciousness changed. She mentioned a very few times about her leaving one day but I was the fearful one, crying uncontrollably on the lunch table in front of my mother and brother who tried to be emotionally distant from the whole process all those years. I never wanted to cry in front of my lola but I couldn't contain the grief I had been carrying, mostly alone, since the first day we dealt with her breast cancer.  She never said good bye because she wanted to spare me.  But on her last days, I kept on comforting her that we were going to be ok, that it was alright and she had nothing to worry anymore.  When she was conscious, there was nothing more reassuringly joyful to her ears than hearing that Jesus loves her.  She would smile brightly even with eyes closed and responded back with Jesus loves you, too.  I can only wish that I did that more often even when she couldn't respond anymore.  I practically never knew better what to do... I was in grief all along. My lola's response was my only joy.  My only comfort now is the message I got that she is now in God's loving arms in heaven.  I know my regrets are temporal but the assurance of God is eternal.  I may have to deal with closure & grief interchangeably for who knows until when. And I may still be unready to care for other dying elderly patients again, but I'm moving on, growing up... I thank God so much for talking to me in different ways.