Reflections after each time I read something about what people want to hear and say before they die...

I wish I could have told her more than I love you's.  Everyday for the last year of her life, I told her I love her. Much more frequently than I did the years before that.  In her last months of wakeful coma, I wish I have talked to her more and told her things that she had to hear.  I was battling with my own emotions of saying goodbye with my gestures and words and denying that she was soon going to go.  The difficult time between not knowing exactly what to hope for, not knowing what to ask God for, the letting go and holding on, the need to be alone with grandma, the managing of everything she needed daily and the people that assisted us, the physical exhaustion and the added emotional exhaustion from other family members - proved to be too much pre-occupation.  I didn't basically know what to do with her pain and withering, I just wanted and tried to make her as comfortable as we could.  I felt alone. I wanted to talk to lola about anything and tell the nurse to leave us for a while.  But many times I felt more lonely thinking about speaking of any semblance of goodbyes to her... with her sometimes unresponsive stares at the wall, it felt very, very lonely that she was leaving me. I didn't want to say goodbye. I should have told her how great she was as a grandmother, how grateful we are of her legacy and of all the things she taught me.  Of how grateful I am to be with her. Of how grateful I am of her and Lolo.  I even avoided mentioning lolo on his birthday, worried that I might make Lola more in a hurry to leave.  But I should have told her.  I should have made her listen to her favorite music.  I should have not accomodated the nurses watching tv and made them agree to play more of lola's music...

I should have hugged her more. Even if it was too difficult many times with her coughing and all the other physical discomfort and unresponsiveness as the days went. I should have hugged her more.  I often felt and hoped my assurances for her not to worry, and her favorite phrase that Jesus loves her were enough comfort to makeup for anything else I was struggling to do...  I hope they really did.  On her last night, that was all I could say and do while I hugged her after we prayed.  I felt she felt ok with that.  I guess God has made her know that now.  How I wanted to give her all the love and comfort.  But was too human to fulfill everything I hoped for.  I know God has filled it all for her when she went. God did because it was peaceful and she felt happy.